life
so much has happened in my life in the past month. Me and A broke up after being together for almost 5 years. I keep telling myself that things are all for the best, and what is meant to be will be. But the truth… Im scared…he was my first real relationship and he did take care of me. I just couldn’t handle being second to everything any more. to electronics, to internet friends, to speech synthesizers to booze. I always came second. I tried to talk to him and communicate with him and tell him how much he was hurting me…that night he got so drunk that I had call 911. It was probably the scariest scene since seeing the bathroom door being broken down and my mother being dragged out bleeding because she slit her wrists…that kind of pain, i have to deal with every day. trying to let it go and not to let it interfere with my life. I am not gonna stay with someone who cannot respect me and is going to turn to alcohol to dull his emotional pain. Im sorry but I put up with that my entire life with my mother, I will not marry someone who will ever make me feel like that.
I think A and I fell out of love a long time ago and our relationship was more of one of convenience. there was that sexual attraction, but I cant say that I truly loved him for a very long time. Not gonna lie, the living situation that him and I are in right now is so completely and thoroughly awkward but there is not much we can do about it…we just have to stick it out until the end of October. Then we can part ways and that will be that. My hope is that ultimately him and I can go our separate ways and be friends. I want to be his friend. Each day I try and let go of the resentment I feel. I want him in my life because I cannot imagine my life without him in it. in some ways I feel like i do still need him but I just have to let go of that for my own sanity.
and then there is T. T just so happens to be one of As internet friends. i guess you can say that him and i are “unofficially” dating. Its strange being with a new boy that is for damn sure. the whole getting to know them and learning their quirks and likes and dislikes and such. I feel like all of this was sudden. like I was supposed to have some kind of mourning period for my relationship with A. I dont know all the rules of dating or what is or is not acceptable. but I guess its a learning process. I am hoping that T and i have some kind of a future together. We are super similar and have a lot of the same likes and dislikes. and our personalities are a really good match.
i dunno, I guess i am still at that stage where i am trying to let go of the past and embrace my future and life and all the experiences that I have not had yet. I know I am a strong person and am perfectly capable of being ok on my own…but i don’t want to be alone. I have been alone my entire life…i have no intention of spending any more time by myself. I need someone who can help fill in those little missing pieces of my soul. who understands that I am valuable in my own right but want to help me become a better person and experience life with me…I think T might be that person.
He held me when A shattered my heart. He dried my tears and promised unconditional friendship. he made me feel worthwhile when A made me feel worthless. He is independent with a future. He is with me because he wants me, not because he needs me. Its funny but I need him more than he needs me. In the past month he has become more of a solid rock in my life than I feel like I have ever had.
while all this went down with A, I found out that my best friend is going to have a baby. She has wanted a baby for a long time, and even if the timing is not quite right, things will work out the way they are meant to and I couldn’t be happier for her :)
more to come later…I am sleepy
